But things are getting better, I swear.

I knew this would be a taxing experience, but if I hold all of this in then I might drive myself insane. This is the last you’ll hear from me on this subject:

It would mean the world to me just to see any sign of his existence right now. Simply to see his screen name appear on my buddy list window, an 'Online Now' icon on Myspace, a blog post, anything will suffice in bringing ease to the hurt. Things are the most difficult on nights when I don't stay busy. If I'm not stuck doing homework for 5 hours a night, then all I can do is sit there and think about him and how many things in the back of my mind I wish I could say to him: how much I would pay to lay there in his room and listen to him play guitar, what I would sacrifice just to ride around in his truck singing Queen (horribly) at the top of our lungs, or even just to see his face again. His eyes, his smile, that adorable beard. I miss him like crazy. I can't remember a time when I felt a pain like this, and it hasn't even been one week. I can still see the mark left on my car window when he kissed it as I prepared to drive away that night. Every time I see it, I can see him standing there just as he did when he first left the mark. I never want to wash my car. Because, like the mark he made on my heart, I never want it to fade away. I know this will never fade away. And the last words he said to me, oh, how assuring! I'll see you soon. Four words have never sounded so sweet in my life.

It feels as if my life is on hold, but at the same time so much is changing, like a dancer being stopped in the middle of a routine to adjust and fine-tune her performance. When it’s natural to just go along and dance through the steps like you know how, someone with an outside perspective must step in. And oh, did God step in. I thank Him every day that He did. I’m so blessed that God would be so involved in my life; that He would care enough to interfere in a life as insignificant as mine. I surrendered myself to His will and asked Him to make me a new and beautiful creation that he could use. He came through, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. He has broken me; now all I’m waiting on is Him to rebuild me into something stronger, more pure than before. More like Him.

But things are getting better, I swear. I am closer now to God than I have been in a long time. I am realizing the faith that is within me, and relying fully on His promise to carry me through the night. I’ve been spending a lot more time in my bible (daily) and I’ve felt God’s presence more in the past week than in the previous month all together. Honestly, it’s that fact that keeps me from sleeping through each day. I still have a lot to improve on (because let’s face it, I’ll never measure up to what Jesus was) but it feels so good to know that I’ve been showing real progress. It’s encouraging. God is an encouraging father.

But like I said, this is the last post you’ll see from me that talks about how terribly I miss Chris. I’m fairly certain that if he reads this, it will more than likely serve to distract him from his work. I’m going to keep these things to private blogs. He dedicated these nine months to God for a reason and I plan to respect those boundaries he chose and allow God to do His work in him. I just need to be sure that he knows, I’ll never forget. I will always love him. Forever. I'll be right here waiting when he returns.

"I'm by your side though you're far away.
Just close your eyes and talk to me.
Hey, I will sleep by the door to be the one who welcomes you home."