Dearest NanaBear,

You should be careful where you log into your Google account because it stays logged in until you actually hit "Log Out." You're lucky that I'm one of the COOLEST aunts in the world and not a scary weirdo. Flightiness is a sign of extreme intelligence, as I am a founding member of that society, however, it can also get you into a world of trouble.
xoxoxoxo,
The Lovely Aunt Leigh-Leigh (*MUAH*)

But I remember.

I wish I had words to describe the way I'm feeling right now. I think the combination of the sounds of rain and thunder sweeping in from my bedroom window and the fact that no one is responding to my text messages today are striking an interesting emotion within me. I've learned over time to revel in aloneness; to enjoy having quiet time to yourself. But how do you keep that "aloneness" from turning into loneliness? Loneliness is destructive and it's a state of mind which I've recently found myself slipping in to fairly easily. I'd like to say I don't know why, but that would be a blatant and obvious lie. There's only one who knows exactly what I need right now. And I suppose as long as I stay close to Him, the loneliness will pass before it's able to take hold.

Headlights or Starry Nights

Headlights in my eyes, more precious than your life
Blind me with their beauty and glorious gleam
They come to take me home

They only start as stars,
distant in the night sky
Then before I even get the chance to breathe
They surround me
Until a bright, pale yellow light is all I see
You are all I see

How blind was I?
When the sun hides, a deviant mask
The stars, how they strive to shine and be seen
But your brilliant sun was the only comfort my eyes could find
The night so foreign, so unfamiliar
The stars are invisible to me
They simply cannot compare

But who am I to decide
What light my eyes can find
And who are you to say
That all I see is day
The stars cannot come out to play

Who are you?
Tell me, please
Who are you?

I used to know.
In fact, I used to know you well.
But the hands have long since hung lifeless from the face of that clock.
The dust has settled at the bottom of my empty heart
And covered my eyes with specks of gray
A haze that makes my days drag on
A cloud of emotion, of circumstance
The stars are invisible to me
They simply aren’t you

Yet, I ask again
Who are you?

Blue flowers can grow...

God has never, ever let me down.

I awake to the rain,
Your grace
Tapping on my window.

The night has passed
The morning is here,
Your time
Has come

Never was there a better time
To show the world your light
You have been washed clean.


[Just a few blurbs. That will probably end up in a song soon.]

As the rain falls, Your grace pours. [John 3:1-18]

¹ There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was a Pharisee. ² After dark one evening, he came to speak with Jesus. “Rabbi,” he said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”

³ Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”

⁴ “What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?”

⁵ Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit.^b]"> ⁶ Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. ⁷ So don’t be surprised when I say, ‘You must be born again.’ ⁸ The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

⁹ “How are these things possible?” Nicodemus asked.

¹⁰ Jesus replied, “You are a respected Jewish teacher, and yet you don’t understand these things? ¹¹ I assure you, we tell you what we know and have seen, and yet you won’t believe our testimony. ¹² But if you don’t believe me when I tell you about earthly things, how can you possibly believe if I tell you about heavenly things? ¹³ No one has ever gone to heaven and returned. But the Son of Man has come down from heaven. ¹⁴ And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, ¹⁵ so that everyone who believes in him will have eternal life.^f]">[

¹⁶ “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

¹⁸ “There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son. ¹⁹ And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. ²⁰ All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. ²¹ But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants."

More to come.

Too many options?

I've always heard that it's common for students who just graduated high school to be stuck in this "what now...?" mentality. As if they were focused so long on high school that now they're not exactly sure where they're going in life. Well, my situation is quite the opposite.
If I had to reflect on my entire high school career, I'd say I've learned and grown in ways I never though possible. I've developed into this woman that I can honestly say I'm proud of. Yeah, I still need work, but I'm not ashamed of who I've become. I have purpose. I have ambition. I have something to live for that is greater than myself and I have the passion to pursue that. That's a lot more than most high school students can say. But where do I start? Honestly, I have so many dreams, so many possibilities. Which do I pursue first?
There are three major things that God has put on my heart recently. Music, Photography, Global Compassion (in no particular order.)

What do I dedicate my summer to?

I've seen that I could easily be running my own photography business right now. I've already put out a project for this band with album art and photography that was well beyond the expectations of a 17 year old girl. Photography is my art. It's so much of a passion of mine and I would LOVE to do that for the rest of my life.

Next is my music. Worship. That's my life. I've felt this calling towards starting a band that, rather than focusing on playing a service every week we act like a band that's separate from any specific church service and can focus on the creative side. Like writing our own music, touring, etc. That's been a dream of mine for years now and I feel I have the potential to make that happen. And I KNOW there are so many people around me that have the same vision that I do. I would love to spend this summer making that happen.

And finally, there is my vision in Peru. Doing something more for the world than just those in my direct community is something that is a very big part of my heart. When God gave me that challenge I was completely willing to walk away from everything and go. But the way that things aren't fully working out at the moment makes me question if I'm ready to take that kind of step. It was something I was so set on and I was so passionate about it as well.

Like I said, there are so many possibilities as to what I can do with this summer before school starts up again in the fall.
I have no idea where to even start.
I'm asking for guidance, for motivation, and for God to completely rock my world.
We'll see where that takes me.

If words could express...

So much has changed recently.
So much so that it would be difficult to type it all out in one sitting.

I can sum it up for you though.
The world is coming at me at full speed, and I love it.
God is my best friend, my number one, closer to my heart than ever.
I have purpose, direction, a real adventure ahead of me.
My best friend is coming home to me.

God is so good to me. (:

I need a miracle.

I sincerely wish I could just ignore all the pressure that's building up on me. I have so much to do. There are two major components of IB that I haven't completed yet. On top of not having those done, I'm struggling to keep my grades above D's. I need help, but I'm not sure who to ask. Obviously I've turned to God, but the only thing He can do for me is give me strength. I know exactly what needs to be done, there's just so much of it that I don't even know where to start. I have no idea who to talk to for help about this. My mom can't help me. My guidance councelor, maybe. But this seems like something I have to get done on my own, just like everyone else did. There's just so much pressure. I need a release. I need to see some form of progress. I need some sort of encouragement. I just don't know where to look. I need someone to tell me that I'm not a failure, even though my position says I am. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm breaking doesn't mean I'm broken. And it doesn't mean I'll break. I keep telling myself to take one step at a time. I keep telling myself all these things but I can't do this alone. I need someone with me. I need someone to help me through this. I'm too busy giving myself to my passion for people that I've been ignoring the one part of my life where I need help.
I need...

A miracle.

I just don't know what to do with myself.
I know something isn't right, and I don't know how to get things where they need to be.
But I do know that there is no hole too deep that God can't pull me out of it.
There's nowhere I can be that isn't where I'm supposed to be.
God has plans to prosper me, not to harm me.
God intends for me to succeed.
He plans for me to pull through this on top.
I'll get through it, no doubt, but how much of my future will be cut short because of my failures?
It doesn't matter.
My future is in God's hands.
My dreams depend on my finishing this Biology lab report tonight.
And somehow finishing the Extended Essay that was due earlier this year.
And completing the reflections on the community service hours that I'm behind on.
God has a way for me to do all of that.
I know He does.
I just need help finding it.

Help?

Sing to me sweetly.

Sing to me of your smile.
Sing to me of a love where distance disappears.
And where two hearts are one.
The rain is your kiss on my forehead.
The wind is your warm embrace.
The dark lucid sky mirrors your eyes.
I'm never lost.

Worth waiting for.

In all honestly, I feel like 2009 has come more as a shock to me than anything else. I've had this picture in my head of what my future might look like and at the moment I'm questioning one major part of that. Since Scotto left I have been so on and off in regards to staying with him or seriously moving on. At the moment I'm feeling like I should just walk away from what we had but I really don't know. I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm under a lot of pressure. Loving him is tearing me apart, but at the same time it's exactly what is keeping me together. I'm not sure what I should label as the cause of my suffering. Loving him, or simply the fact that I can't be near him. I've reached the point where I just want to let go. I'm dying to get out of this situation because it hurts. A lot. But then I think about him, I see him having the time of his life, and I remember what exactly I'm waiting for, and he is completely worth it. But I'm so sick of hurting over this. I know I can escape the pain by letting him go and just calling it a loss, but that would be throwing away so much more than just a boy. Chris means the world to me. He was my best friend. And I know he loved me. One of the last things he said to me was not to forget that fact. I just need to remind myself of that. He is worth waiting for. He's worth the suffering. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him and this is my chance to prove it. But I still wonder if it's the smart thing to do.

I feel so stupid for loving him.