I need a miracle.

I sincerely wish I could just ignore all the pressure that's building up on me. I have so much to do. There are two major components of IB that I haven't completed yet. On top of not having those done, I'm struggling to keep my grades above D's. I need help, but I'm not sure who to ask. Obviously I've turned to God, but the only thing He can do for me is give me strength. I know exactly what needs to be done, there's just so much of it that I don't even know where to start. I have no idea who to talk to for help about this. My mom can't help me. My guidance councelor, maybe. But this seems like something I have to get done on my own, just like everyone else did. There's just so much pressure. I need a release. I need to see some form of progress. I need some sort of encouragement. I just don't know where to look. I need someone to tell me that I'm not a failure, even though my position says I am. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm breaking doesn't mean I'm broken. And it doesn't mean I'll break. I keep telling myself to take one step at a time. I keep telling myself all these things but I can't do this alone. I need someone with me. I need someone to help me through this. I'm too busy giving myself to my passion for people that I've been ignoring the one part of my life where I need help.
I need...

A miracle.

I just don't know what to do with myself.
I know something isn't right, and I don't know how to get things where they need to be.
But I do know that there is no hole too deep that God can't pull me out of it.
There's nowhere I can be that isn't where I'm supposed to be.
God has plans to prosper me, not to harm me.
God intends for me to succeed.
He plans for me to pull through this on top.
I'll get through it, no doubt, but how much of my future will be cut short because of my failures?
It doesn't matter.
My future is in God's hands.
My dreams depend on my finishing this Biology lab report tonight.
And somehow finishing the Extended Essay that was due earlier this year.
And completing the reflections on the community service hours that I'm behind on.
God has a way for me to do all of that.
I know He does.
I just need help finding it.

Help?

Sing to me sweetly.

Sing to me of your smile.
Sing to me of a love where distance disappears.
And where two hearts are one.
The rain is your kiss on my forehead.
The wind is your warm embrace.
The dark lucid sky mirrors your eyes.
I'm never lost.

Worth waiting for.

In all honestly, I feel like 2009 has come more as a shock to me than anything else. I've had this picture in my head of what my future might look like and at the moment I'm questioning one major part of that. Since Scotto left I have been so on and off in regards to staying with him or seriously moving on. At the moment I'm feeling like I should just walk away from what we had but I really don't know. I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm under a lot of pressure. Loving him is tearing me apart, but at the same time it's exactly what is keeping me together. I'm not sure what I should label as the cause of my suffering. Loving him, or simply the fact that I can't be near him. I've reached the point where I just want to let go. I'm dying to get out of this situation because it hurts. A lot. But then I think about him, I see him having the time of his life, and I remember what exactly I'm waiting for, and he is completely worth it. But I'm so sick of hurting over this. I know I can escape the pain by letting him go and just calling it a loss, but that would be throwing away so much more than just a boy. Chris means the world to me. He was my best friend. And I know he loved me. One of the last things he said to me was not to forget that fact. I just need to remind myself of that. He is worth waiting for. He's worth the suffering. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him and this is my chance to prove it. But I still wonder if it's the smart thing to do.

I feel so stupid for loving him.