Happy Anniversary, my love.

September 29, 2007 - infinity.

There's no stopping the Holy Spirit.

When He wants to move, He will move. If He wants to see His children spend two hours in worship of Him, then plans will be changed. Tonight, Josh didn't even have a change to give his message tonight. The Holy Spirit took charge. God came in and we spent the whole night in the presence of God, singing his praises and lifting up his name. It was more than necessary. I live to see lives changed.

Senior Pictures are up!

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=386533655&albumId=972499

You should be able to see them there.
If not, let me know.
:)

He comes through yet again.

It's simply amazing how God answers the prayers of your heart, even if you never pray them. Today was absolutely incredible. I jogged & swam some laps at the pool, had dinner at the Scotto's and jammed out with Daniel on bass. And God definitely made something happen tonight that was so assuring to me. Simply hearing Scotto's voice, even if it wasn't directed at me, gave me so much comfort and happiness. Basically, God gave me exactly what my heart desired and I didn't even ask for it. He is SO GOOD! He always keeps his promises. Just look at the verse in my blog description. God came through yet again. He never ceases to amaze me.

But things are getting better, I swear.

I knew this would be a taxing experience, but if I hold all of this in then I might drive myself insane. This is the last you’ll hear from me on this subject:

It would mean the world to me just to see any sign of his existence right now. Simply to see his screen name appear on my buddy list window, an 'Online Now' icon on Myspace, a blog post, anything will suffice in bringing ease to the hurt. Things are the most difficult on nights when I don't stay busy. If I'm not stuck doing homework for 5 hours a night, then all I can do is sit there and think about him and how many things in the back of my mind I wish I could say to him: how much I would pay to lay there in his room and listen to him play guitar, what I would sacrifice just to ride around in his truck singing Queen (horribly) at the top of our lungs, or even just to see his face again. His eyes, his smile, that adorable beard. I miss him like crazy. I can't remember a time when I felt a pain like this, and it hasn't even been one week. I can still see the mark left on my car window when he kissed it as I prepared to drive away that night. Every time I see it, I can see him standing there just as he did when he first left the mark. I never want to wash my car. Because, like the mark he made on my heart, I never want it to fade away. I know this will never fade away. And the last words he said to me, oh, how assuring! I'll see you soon. Four words have never sounded so sweet in my life.

It feels as if my life is on hold, but at the same time so much is changing, like a dancer being stopped in the middle of a routine to adjust and fine-tune her performance. When it’s natural to just go along and dance through the steps like you know how, someone with an outside perspective must step in. And oh, did God step in. I thank Him every day that He did. I’m so blessed that God would be so involved in my life; that He would care enough to interfere in a life as insignificant as mine. I surrendered myself to His will and asked Him to make me a new and beautiful creation that he could use. He came through, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. He has broken me; now all I’m waiting on is Him to rebuild me into something stronger, more pure than before. More like Him.

But things are getting better, I swear. I am closer now to God than I have been in a long time. I am realizing the faith that is within me, and relying fully on His promise to carry me through the night. I’ve been spending a lot more time in my bible (daily) and I’ve felt God’s presence more in the past week than in the previous month all together. Honestly, it’s that fact that keeps me from sleeping through each day. I still have a lot to improve on (because let’s face it, I’ll never measure up to what Jesus was) but it feels so good to know that I’ve been showing real progress. It’s encouraging. God is an encouraging father.

But like I said, this is the last post you’ll see from me that talks about how terribly I miss Chris. I’m fairly certain that if he reads this, it will more than likely serve to distract him from his work. I’m going to keep these things to private blogs. He dedicated these nine months to God for a reason and I plan to respect those boundaries he chose and allow God to do His work in him. I just need to be sure that he knows, I’ll never forget. I will always love him. Forever. I'll be right here waiting when he returns.

"I'm by your side though you're far away.
Just close your eyes and talk to me.
Hey, I will sleep by the door to be the one who welcomes you home."

It's pretty pathetic.

I've gotten to the point where I can't even focus on history anymore. If I have to read one more word about Latin America I might go crazy. We have a test tomorrow and my outlines still aren't done. Oh well, God will give me the strength to muscle through this night, I'm sure.

I remember when all of my friends had blogs, and what I wrote actually got responses and we actually communicated. What happened to those days? Xanga died. That's what happened. Or maybe it's just uncool to blog daily. Oh well, I'm a loser anyway. I'm really glad my old xanga is still up though. It's so much fun to read back on old times and reminisce. :)

This is what came out of my history class today.

That is all.

Obsessed. (My most A.D.D. blog post ever.)

I think it's safe to say that I've grown to be pretty obsessed with blogging these days. It's working for me as a way to keep my thoughts straight, I guess. It works both as a way to record my day-to-day experiences as well as to subconsciously talk to people who I don't get to talk to in person. It's really growing on me.

I went to Moe's and Wal-Mart with the beautiful Kristen Sinclair today. It was wonderful. She honestly is one of my favorite people on the planet. She's so full of love and a servants heart. She's an inspiration. I am going to miss her terribly while she's off making miracles happen in Colorado, but I have every faith that she's going to do so many amazing things. We will keep in touch. :) She let me borrow Jason Mraz's new CD along with Continuum, which is pretty exciting. I'm uploading them into my iTunes right now. K.Sinclair is like the big sister I never had.

Homecoming is in two weeks and I still don't have a dress! I have to go shopping sometime this week. Possibly tomorrow, depending on how much homework I can get done today. Homecoming still won't be the same without Scotto here, but I am sure I will have the time of my life. Besides, I have some amazing dates! My girls and I are going to have so much fun. And it's my last high school homecoming EVER! (because I doubt I'll be "coming home" once I've graduated.) I'm psyched. :)

What a day...

Spectacular Sunday.

I am getting the feeling that as this blog progresses you're going to see a lot of Sunday night blogs regarding Apex, so we're going to call this Spectacular Sunday. Soon I'll probably think of a more catchy and cute name for it, but for now that is what shall remain. Josh's message had a lot of truth in it tonight. It always does, but he hit so many great points that it's hard to pick just one to focus on. He spoke about the future. He had us close our eyes and imagine graduation. Then he had us fast-forward to six months after graduation. Where would we be? For that I had a pretty solid idea. Then he took us even farther and had us imagine where we would be three years after that. What would we be studying? How many times will we have changed out majors by then? It was cute. Then he asked us about five years after that? He asked if we pictured ourselves married? White picket fence in the suburbs? 2.5 kids? (at which point I lean over to Mallory and say married to Scotto...) But his point was that our futures can seem so blurry. We may not always know what the ultimate goal for our lives may be.
People in our lives have a tendency to put our futures in a box. Our parents, our guidance counselors, etc. tend to tell us that if we got to the right college, get the right job and marry the right person then we'll be happy in life. The truth is, God's plan for our lives is probably so much bigger than that little box society calls a future. Tonight, Josh told us to follow God in our daily lives, and take small steps toward a goal rather than attempting to leap into the future.
What I got most out of his message was to have faith. How, even though we can't see five years ahead I can still follow God in the present because the bible says "You are a light onto my path." God doesn't always show us what the ultimate goal for our lives is, but rather shows us the way to get there, step by step. That way, when we get to the final goal, we can say God did it, and the glory is His not ours.
God can do so many great things in our lives if we just let him.

Other than church, my day was pretty spectacular. Last night I was in bed and my stepmom texted me and asked if I "had any plans for tonight" which was strange because it was already about 10:30. She needed me to go and chill at home with my brother and sister because she was going out. So, I got out of bed, packed up and left for my dads. Pretty spur-of-the-moment, but it's all good because we went to cracker barrel this morning and stuffed our faces. The rest of the day was basically just like any other Sunday. Practice, then Apex (which was a party, as usual.) Well, my laptop is getting pretty hot now, so I think that's an indication I should get off the computer.

P.S. My mom is getting me a gym membership this week. :) And I ordered some stuff from TWLOHA. Can't wait until that comes in. :)

You promise me that You believe...

The beach is so enchanting. The heat of the sun mixing so well with the coolness of the water. The breeze brushing softly over the smooth surface of the sea. Birds standing around curiously, but seemingly minding their own business. This is just the medicine I've been needing. My day has been so full of nothing that I am actually able to hear God's voice much more clearly. I realized today that I've been simply sitting on the shoreline in my relationship with God. I've been giving so much of my life to my school, to my family, and even to my boyfriend, that with God I've been just wading along the sea foam and the washed-up shells. I've been barely getting my feet wet at all.
Today as I sat comfortably in knee-deep water, I became overwhelmed with a calling of sorts. I was lost in a daydream and I envisioned myself walking out into the waves, and while the water got deeper and deeper still, I never lost my footing. I got to a point where it no longer mattered if my feet were touching the ocean floor. It didn't matter to me how deep below me the waves could take me if I fell. I began to swim, all the while I kept glancing back to watch the coastline get smaller and smaller. I had no idea what was ahead of me, but I knew that behind me was somewhere familiar, somewhere comfortable. I knew that I could turn back at any second, but the ocean beckoned me further. I just kept swimming.
This is what I know I need to do. God has given me this opportunity to grow deeper in my relationship with Him than I ever have. Where I am now is comfortable, almost habitual. It’s time for me to take some risks. I am broken, that can be understood, but if I want God to reconstruct this shattered clay pot into something beautiful I have to move. If I stay where I am, I cannot grow. I have to dive into new territory, into dark waters, with the faith that God can do anything. He can.

Fireflies.

It feels as if I'm stuck in the middle of some bad dream that I'm afraid to wake up from. I drive away after one last kiss and wipe away the tears, but the blurry vision never seems to subside. I think to myself, did that really just happen? I think it did. That was the last time I'll be able to see him for nine months. Nine. Long. Months. For a small second, I catch a glimpse of the starry sky and the bold harvest moon. He smiles on me, and whispers in my ear a promise. And I am reminded that the stars never fade away, it's strange how they never seem to change. They never left us in our lives to find our hope in darkened nights. When it feels like all is lost, open your eyes.

I just have to remember, this is far from the end. All my stress and worrying is basically telling God that I don't trust him, but I do. I trust Him with my life, my love, and everything else. He is the only infallible love. He is my only peace, my only security. He never leaves us, He never turns his back on us, and most of all, He is faithful.

You stood before creation,

Who am I to question God's plan? Sure, I'm pretty broken right now, but I'll learn to deal. I guess I should have expected myself to have a moment of weakness like this. Or maybe several. This probably won't be the first time I break down out of nowhere. After all, the man I promised my life to is leaving me for nine months. If you look at the big picture, yes, he is doing it for God and in the long run it will do amazing things for our relationship. That is, if we get back together once he comes back. It's a risk, I know, and I'm sure what he gets out of it will be well worth it, but that doesn't change how heartbreaking this is. Quite simply, I just have to take it one day at a time. Naturally, I'll break down every now and then, but that's why I have the God-given angels I call friends that will be there to pick me up whenever I need them.
I have an amazing nine months ahead of me.
I just have to keep telling myself this.

Listen to my words as they come out wrong.

Hello. I must start off by warning you that the words on this page are nothing but an attempt to organize and understand the millions of thoughts that seem to be bouncing around my head every second. They are my opinions, my experiences, and my ideas, and I promise nothing of the value they might have to you. Someday, hundreds of years from now, some average teenage girl like myself might find these and find someone to identify with, but until then, the words might go unread.
Today I discovered something about myself that more than breaks my heart. I have in recent times valued the idea of living life with your actions more than your words, and last night it was pointed out to me that I've been living exactly the opposite. Within the same week, I completely back-stabbed some of my closest friends and royally failed in showing the love of my life exactly how much he means to me. It brought to my attention how insufficient I am in running my own life.
Chris is leaving for Atlanta in 9 days, after which my communication with him will be completely shut off. Yes, after a year of dating we are choosing to break up because of the ministry program he's going to attend. It's a difficult thing to do, but I have faith that if our relationship is meant to be then when he comes back we will make it work. The worst thing I can do now is let him leave with doubts about us.
Something has got to give. I am determined now, for the sake of my love and my friendships, that I'm going to start living the way that shows the desires of my heart. I won't be overcome by my selfishness, and I won't get too caught up in my own problems to let my love for others show through. I understand now what I must do.