New Realizations

Each and every day.
It seems I have time to think now.
Time to think for myself.
It's beautiful.

There are times

when I feel like I'm the only one struggling here.

Refocus.

This weekend has been terrific! We had our "Anti-Twilight Party" on Friday night which was pretty wicked. Blake and Abbie, Daniel S, Daniel W and Eric G came over and we played guitar hero, baked brownies and pizza (which was a disaster, btw) and played twister among other things. It's got to happen again soon.

Tonight Apex was WONDERFUL!! John David (Chelsea's big brother) from Reformation came and gave a GREAT message, because Josh had to go out of town. John David brought the house down. That guy is hysterical. He talked about Joseph and the struggles that he faced on his way to realizing God's dream for his life. It helped me to realize that God's plan isn't always going to coinside with the dreams I have for my own life. And even though there are going to be setbacks, God will always have a purpose for those low times and He always delights in being able to pull you out of impossible situations. God always loves to see His children run to him in faith when they have troubling situations. He loves it when we turn to him in the face of a dilemma because it gives Him a chance to show us how much He loves us and how great He really is. If we don't trust God, then He'll never be able to make miracles out of our lives.

John David's message helped me to realize where my focuses lie right now. I've been worried about so many things lately with the whole Chris situation. Ever since he left I've been trying to make myself enjoy the "single" side of life I'm getting to taste by, you know, getting out in the world and trying to meet guys and just have fun. But I always have Chris in my head. Every single time. I've had this situation on my mind of whether or not I should try to date other guys, but honestly, there's no one else in this world that could be anything close to what Chris was for me. Granted, I'm not giving anyone else a chance to try to be. I just know the feeling that Chris gave me, and the love we had for each other. I know his heart and the passion for God that he had, and I don't see his heart paralleled in anyone else. And completely aside from how amazing he is, it shouldn't even matter if I want to be seeing other guys.

Dating is not where my focus should be. My love life is just a small part of who I am, and if I'm too busy worrying about Chris and everything else, then I won't be able to see all the miracles God could be doing in my heart. If I keep my focus on the close-ups, on the smaller things, then I'll be missing out on a lot of the things God has planned for me. I don't know about you, but I'm going to enjoy the freedom God has given me this school year. Freedom from the drama, from the distraction that boys cause. Freedom from the anxiety and everything else that comes from not having a boy to be "my boy." I have the freedom now to worry about one thing and one thing only. How can God change me today? How can God move in my life, right now? What can I do to bring glory to His name in this very moment? Not, "is this boy right for me?" or "I wonder if he likes me..." or "Is he supposed to be a part of my life right now?" because those things will always be questioned. Even in the most stable of relationships, there's always that small bit of anxiety and worry, of wondering if it's real, or if it's meant to be, or if he really loves you. But one thing is always for sure. God is ALWAYS right for you. God ALWAYS loves you. More than anyone else on the planet ever could! (What boy in your life would climb on a cross and suffer hell so you could go to heaven?) God is ALWAYS supposed to be a part of your life, and that's all He asks. He wants your heart. All of it.

Living for God is not just a one time thing. You can't just hand over the reins to God and then go about your life. It's a choice you have to make every day. There are 1440 minutes in a day. That's 1440 opportunities to choose to God, to say to Him, "God, in this moment, I choose You. I choose your path for me." I am going to declare in this moment that all 1440 minutes of my day belong to God. Not to that cute boy in the hall, not to that guy who added me on facebook saying "hey cutie!". No one else. No one but God. He is my life. Every single day. My focus is on Him. Where is yours?

I feel terrible for neglecting this blog as much as I have. I have so many thoughts throughout the day that I know I would like to share with you all, but when I never seem to find the time to actually sit down and type it. Throughout the day, I could sit and type a book for you, but after the fact I feel ridiculous simply outlining my day. Details get lost in my mind and water down all my thoughts and insights. They make my blogs so uninteresting, so I'm attempting to change that.

There's always something in this everchanging life.

In the face of change,
that's when she turned to me and said:
"I'm not sure anymore..."
And there, amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies...
That blanket, the year before...
I watch my life wash ashore.

Have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
And then, of course, it did.
Have you ever felt the weight inside you,
pulling away inside your skin?
Then something had to give...

And now the lines are drawn...
Is this feeling gone?
The best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all that this is.
With the reasons clear,
We'll spend another year...
Without direction,
full of fear,
but now things will be different.

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I...
Always something in this everchanging life;
and there probably always will.
Now that time is getting harder to come by,
the same arguments are always on our minds,
killed this slowly fading lights.

My world is so dynamic. Everything is shifting, changing. Nothing in my life is familiar and I love it. This is the face of God. Seeing nothing but His light in front of me and following it. One step at a time. One day at a time.

I'm loving this new house now, living with my mom and my cousin. It's such a big change from my old house in the middle of nowhere. I'm closer to my friends, closer to the world. It's wonderful. This change was much needed. Now that everything is shifting I can make the lifestyle changes I've been wanting. It's like a fresh start.

College is now a part of my near future. A few months ago it seemed so far away, but the fact of the matter is, it's here and it's now. I'm still not certain where I'll end up, because honestly, I've never gone to college before... This is all new territory for me. It's far from my comfort zone, but I'm walking with the faith of knowing that God is guiding me. No matter what school I choose, no matter what I decide to study, It's amazing that I even have the opportunity to go to college. Some don't even get that. I can't wait to see where my life pans out.

I know one thing is for sure.
The best is yet to come.

Complicity.

So I really underestimated how much of a pain this whole "moving out" thing would be. My mom made some promises that didn't get met. I guess I shouldn't have jumped the gun so much. I was just really excited. I'm not sure when we'll be moving anymore. I only know it will be soon. I should have seen this coming. Nothing this good ever comes easily.

By the way.

I may be moving soon. It's probable that I'll be out of this house by the end of this week. I'm not going far, just to Meadow Pointe. I wish I could give you more details.
All you really need to know is I'm glad.
:)

Good morning, the Sun is rising. (:

Good morning, blogworld. I've had a pretty interesting week. This has been the only real time I've had to sit down and write something. A Sunday morning, when ordinarily I'd be at church, but with certain complications, that isn't happening. I'm home alone, currently. My dog is sprawled out on my bed sleeping. It's kinda cute. :) My mom is out getting coffee. This has been the most peaceful morning I've had in a long time. I woke up with the sun shining through my window and I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It's a good Sunday. :)

It's been a while since I've written here. Let's just say this, though. I haven't washed my hair since my last post. It sounds gross, I know, but with my hair its really not. My hair just looks like NORMAL hair now. It's not frizzy or dry or nasty. It's got some wave to it. It's nice. But, I'm washing it today so that's all going to be gone soon. Anywho.

Well,what have I been up to lately? This week has been pretty busy. It was a light homework week, so I was able to go to lifegroup on monday and the new wiregrass mall on thursday. :) Lifegroup was interesting. The kids of Wolfrevo/Trinity's Creed are so much fun to be around! I'm definitely lacking in the lifegroup department, however. I wish I could find a group my own age to be a part of. Being a senior now, my age group is a minority at Apex, and most of the people my age are leaders of some sort. So, I'll be looking around and praying for that opportunity to come my way.

The Shops at Wiregrass are very nice. I'm so glad to finally have a mall close to home. I've been there three times since it opened last thursday. XD I have a lot of fun there, even if I'm not shopping or spending money. I've had Moe's five times this week. I think you'd call that an addiction. But all the while, I've had a lot of fun with Abbie this weekend. She colors my world. :)

Well, I've got a lot of work to do today before Apex. Extended Essays and novels and outlines, etc. Wish me luck.

Hello world.

My mom is taking a trip to the keys this weekend, so I'll be at my dads until some time next week. It's a shame I didn't get to see Scotto's family yesterday. This week has been a little rough for me with school and college applications and a countless number of other things. But I'm confident I'll be able to make it through. I just have to take things one step at a time. One breath at a time.

Change is on the horizon.
Do you see it rising?

I have come to the quiet realization that....

God is holding my hand in every step I take.
It's a good feeling.

I thought I had been running towards God alone all this time, but I was so wrong. He was already here with me running the race with me, holding on to my hand and never letting go.

He is the source.
He is the path.
He is the destination.

Alpha and Omega.
The beginning and the end.

And everything in between.

What I want to do for the rest of my life.

walkinginchrist., originally uploaded by NianaMarie.

Yesterday was the most fun I've had in a very long time. I had my first semi-official photoshoot with Sofie and Andrew and the shots all turned out SO great. This was one of my favorites. You can view the rest of the pictures here! Enjoy!

Please go have a look and let me know what you think!

I'm sorry.

Questioning.

I love to question my life. I always find myself feeling comfortable in a situation, and then one question is raised that shakes my world completely. I love it. For example, tonight I was asking myself whether I am actively seeking God's glory, or if I'm just going through the motions and waiting for God to show me what He's got. Granted, things are never going to go on according to my agenda; it's all up to Him. But am I presenting my situations in life, my circumstances to God and saying, "Here, it's Yours. Make it a miracle!"? If I'm not, I'm only holding myself back from seeing what God can truly do. Here God. Here's my life. Make it Your miracle.

I had dinner with Scotto's family tonight. They really are some of the most amazing people I know. I don't know what I'd do without them. Next time I'm over, we're having a little game night type thing. It should be fun! And, I've got one thing checked off my list of things to do this week. I dropped off Chris' hoodie. He'll be able to stay warm for the winter now. :)

I worked on college application stuff today too.

I'm doing quite well.

:)

This is my lunch table.

Andrew: So, I was at church one day and the priest was telling us this thing that we do before confession and...
Laurel: Wait!--you're catholic?!
Andrew: Yeahh...
Laurel: *HIGH FIVE!!* I hate catholics!!!


Granted, she was kidding.
But it was still hilarious.
It's a good thing both of them are really open-minded and comfortable with that kind of stuff.

Hush baby, don't you cry for me.

This weekend has been SO incredible! All week my days have been filled with excitement and life. It seems to be never-ending! Friday night I went to babysit Brian Carlton’s girls and had more fun with them than I had in a really long time. We ate pizza and played Sorry… I haven’t played that game in years! They managed to get me to play dress up with them, and they did my hair and we danced around to Camp Rock songs for a good 20 minutes. It was the most adorable thing. Homecoming Saturday was far more fun than I expected it to be. I made some awesome friends and got to spend some time with amazing people that I haven’t been able to spend time with in a very long while. I feel like life is finally beginning to come together. I don’t think my world could be more perfect right now. (Save for the C I have in history right now.) Things are really looking up. :)

As far as music goes, I've been listening to nothing but John Mayer, A Denver Mile, Matt Hires, etc. lately. (And Hillsong of course, but I'm always listening to them.) But I broke my acoustic streak today. Burden of a Day will be playing at Journey Fest with a few other bands like Regret and Forgive Again and Patriarchs so I’m pretty excited about that. Josh Coleman and I will be heading up there to Brooksville, possibly with Kaleb and Sara as well. It should be a good time. :)

Why do I end every paragraph with a smiley face?
I’m too happy sometimes.

Hopefully I'll be able to have dinner at the Scotto's again this week. I love that family SO MUCH! They are honestly so fun to be around. Even if I don't get to have dinner with them, I have to stop by there sometime so they can send Chris his hoodie. I've held on to it for almost a week now and he needs it. :P

So, here's my list of things to do this week:

• Get my history grade up to a B.
• Drop off Scotto's hoodie.
• Get my RETREAT money in!!
• Pray for Moe's to call me back. (I need a job terribly)

Sounds like a good week to me! Retreat this weekend is going to be simply amazing. I get to leave with the band early, so that will be a new experience for me. I cannot wait to see the wonderful things God does in Apex and Emerge. It will be one of the most life-changing moments some of these kids have ever experienced. I'm pumped. For life.

With one voice we'll sing.

Today was interesting. This whole week has been interesting. Spirit week is always interesting. I wish I had pictures of all the great outfits I saw. Monday was Disney day, so I dressed up as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Some people recognized me right away, but apparently that movie was a bit less liked than all the typical Disney princess tales. Today was probably the most fun day this week. For class day it's a tradition for seniors to dress like Tacky Tourists, and it's beautiful. People walk around the halls with inflatable rafts and intertubes, in the commons area this morning people were sitting around the senior stage in beach chairs just hanging out. It was priceless. You can never go wrong as a tacky tourist. :)

The weather seems to be getting nicer every day. This morning I walked out in my ridiculous khaki shorts and had to hurry to my car because of how cold it was. It was spectacular! And the chill returned tonight as the sun was setting. I love to see the passing of the seasons.

I am feeling really good about where this year is heading. I seem to really be getting a handle on school. My grades now are better than they have been in a long time, and I've been looking at a few other colleges aside from Southeastern that I'm planning to apply to. What's the harm in broadening your horizons a little bit?

God is working miracle after miracle.
Keep your eyes open or you might miss one.

Happy Anniversary, my love.

September 29, 2007 - infinity.

There's no stopping the Holy Spirit.

When He wants to move, He will move. If He wants to see His children spend two hours in worship of Him, then plans will be changed. Tonight, Josh didn't even have a change to give his message tonight. The Holy Spirit took charge. God came in and we spent the whole night in the presence of God, singing his praises and lifting up his name. It was more than necessary. I live to see lives changed.

Senior Pictures are up!

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=386533655&albumId=972499

You should be able to see them there.
If not, let me know.
:)

He comes through yet again.

It's simply amazing how God answers the prayers of your heart, even if you never pray them. Today was absolutely incredible. I jogged & swam some laps at the pool, had dinner at the Scotto's and jammed out with Daniel on bass. And God definitely made something happen tonight that was so assuring to me. Simply hearing Scotto's voice, even if it wasn't directed at me, gave me so much comfort and happiness. Basically, God gave me exactly what my heart desired and I didn't even ask for it. He is SO GOOD! He always keeps his promises. Just look at the verse in my blog description. God came through yet again. He never ceases to amaze me.

But things are getting better, I swear.

I knew this would be a taxing experience, but if I hold all of this in then I might drive myself insane. This is the last you’ll hear from me on this subject:

It would mean the world to me just to see any sign of his existence right now. Simply to see his screen name appear on my buddy list window, an 'Online Now' icon on Myspace, a blog post, anything will suffice in bringing ease to the hurt. Things are the most difficult on nights when I don't stay busy. If I'm not stuck doing homework for 5 hours a night, then all I can do is sit there and think about him and how many things in the back of my mind I wish I could say to him: how much I would pay to lay there in his room and listen to him play guitar, what I would sacrifice just to ride around in his truck singing Queen (horribly) at the top of our lungs, or even just to see his face again. His eyes, his smile, that adorable beard. I miss him like crazy. I can't remember a time when I felt a pain like this, and it hasn't even been one week. I can still see the mark left on my car window when he kissed it as I prepared to drive away that night. Every time I see it, I can see him standing there just as he did when he first left the mark. I never want to wash my car. Because, like the mark he made on my heart, I never want it to fade away. I know this will never fade away. And the last words he said to me, oh, how assuring! I'll see you soon. Four words have never sounded so sweet in my life.

It feels as if my life is on hold, but at the same time so much is changing, like a dancer being stopped in the middle of a routine to adjust and fine-tune her performance. When it’s natural to just go along and dance through the steps like you know how, someone with an outside perspective must step in. And oh, did God step in. I thank Him every day that He did. I’m so blessed that God would be so involved in my life; that He would care enough to interfere in a life as insignificant as mine. I surrendered myself to His will and asked Him to make me a new and beautiful creation that he could use. He came through, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. He has broken me; now all I’m waiting on is Him to rebuild me into something stronger, more pure than before. More like Him.

But things are getting better, I swear. I am closer now to God than I have been in a long time. I am realizing the faith that is within me, and relying fully on His promise to carry me through the night. I’ve been spending a lot more time in my bible (daily) and I’ve felt God’s presence more in the past week than in the previous month all together. Honestly, it’s that fact that keeps me from sleeping through each day. I still have a lot to improve on (because let’s face it, I’ll never measure up to what Jesus was) but it feels so good to know that I’ve been showing real progress. It’s encouraging. God is an encouraging father.

But like I said, this is the last post you’ll see from me that talks about how terribly I miss Chris. I’m fairly certain that if he reads this, it will more than likely serve to distract him from his work. I’m going to keep these things to private blogs. He dedicated these nine months to God for a reason and I plan to respect those boundaries he chose and allow God to do His work in him. I just need to be sure that he knows, I’ll never forget. I will always love him. Forever. I'll be right here waiting when he returns.

"I'm by your side though you're far away.
Just close your eyes and talk to me.
Hey, I will sleep by the door to be the one who welcomes you home."

It's pretty pathetic.

I've gotten to the point where I can't even focus on history anymore. If I have to read one more word about Latin America I might go crazy. We have a test tomorrow and my outlines still aren't done. Oh well, God will give me the strength to muscle through this night, I'm sure.

I remember when all of my friends had blogs, and what I wrote actually got responses and we actually communicated. What happened to those days? Xanga died. That's what happened. Or maybe it's just uncool to blog daily. Oh well, I'm a loser anyway. I'm really glad my old xanga is still up though. It's so much fun to read back on old times and reminisce. :)

This is what came out of my history class today.

That is all.

Obsessed. (My most A.D.D. blog post ever.)

I think it's safe to say that I've grown to be pretty obsessed with blogging these days. It's working for me as a way to keep my thoughts straight, I guess. It works both as a way to record my day-to-day experiences as well as to subconsciously talk to people who I don't get to talk to in person. It's really growing on me.

I went to Moe's and Wal-Mart with the beautiful Kristen Sinclair today. It was wonderful. She honestly is one of my favorite people on the planet. She's so full of love and a servants heart. She's an inspiration. I am going to miss her terribly while she's off making miracles happen in Colorado, but I have every faith that she's going to do so many amazing things. We will keep in touch. :) She let me borrow Jason Mraz's new CD along with Continuum, which is pretty exciting. I'm uploading them into my iTunes right now. K.Sinclair is like the big sister I never had.

Homecoming is in two weeks and I still don't have a dress! I have to go shopping sometime this week. Possibly tomorrow, depending on how much homework I can get done today. Homecoming still won't be the same without Scotto here, but I am sure I will have the time of my life. Besides, I have some amazing dates! My girls and I are going to have so much fun. And it's my last high school homecoming EVER! (because I doubt I'll be "coming home" once I've graduated.) I'm psyched. :)

What a day...

Spectacular Sunday.

I am getting the feeling that as this blog progresses you're going to see a lot of Sunday night blogs regarding Apex, so we're going to call this Spectacular Sunday. Soon I'll probably think of a more catchy and cute name for it, but for now that is what shall remain. Josh's message had a lot of truth in it tonight. It always does, but he hit so many great points that it's hard to pick just one to focus on. He spoke about the future. He had us close our eyes and imagine graduation. Then he had us fast-forward to six months after graduation. Where would we be? For that I had a pretty solid idea. Then he took us even farther and had us imagine where we would be three years after that. What would we be studying? How many times will we have changed out majors by then? It was cute. Then he asked us about five years after that? He asked if we pictured ourselves married? White picket fence in the suburbs? 2.5 kids? (at which point I lean over to Mallory and say married to Scotto...) But his point was that our futures can seem so blurry. We may not always know what the ultimate goal for our lives may be.
People in our lives have a tendency to put our futures in a box. Our parents, our guidance counselors, etc. tend to tell us that if we got to the right college, get the right job and marry the right person then we'll be happy in life. The truth is, God's plan for our lives is probably so much bigger than that little box society calls a future. Tonight, Josh told us to follow God in our daily lives, and take small steps toward a goal rather than attempting to leap into the future.
What I got most out of his message was to have faith. How, even though we can't see five years ahead I can still follow God in the present because the bible says "You are a light onto my path." God doesn't always show us what the ultimate goal for our lives is, but rather shows us the way to get there, step by step. That way, when we get to the final goal, we can say God did it, and the glory is His not ours.
God can do so many great things in our lives if we just let him.

Other than church, my day was pretty spectacular. Last night I was in bed and my stepmom texted me and asked if I "had any plans for tonight" which was strange because it was already about 10:30. She needed me to go and chill at home with my brother and sister because she was going out. So, I got out of bed, packed up and left for my dads. Pretty spur-of-the-moment, but it's all good because we went to cracker barrel this morning and stuffed our faces. The rest of the day was basically just like any other Sunday. Practice, then Apex (which was a party, as usual.) Well, my laptop is getting pretty hot now, so I think that's an indication I should get off the computer.

P.S. My mom is getting me a gym membership this week. :) And I ordered some stuff from TWLOHA. Can't wait until that comes in. :)

You promise me that You believe...

The beach is so enchanting. The heat of the sun mixing so well with the coolness of the water. The breeze brushing softly over the smooth surface of the sea. Birds standing around curiously, but seemingly minding their own business. This is just the medicine I've been needing. My day has been so full of nothing that I am actually able to hear God's voice much more clearly. I realized today that I've been simply sitting on the shoreline in my relationship with God. I've been giving so much of my life to my school, to my family, and even to my boyfriend, that with God I've been just wading along the sea foam and the washed-up shells. I've been barely getting my feet wet at all.
Today as I sat comfortably in knee-deep water, I became overwhelmed with a calling of sorts. I was lost in a daydream and I envisioned myself walking out into the waves, and while the water got deeper and deeper still, I never lost my footing. I got to a point where it no longer mattered if my feet were touching the ocean floor. It didn't matter to me how deep below me the waves could take me if I fell. I began to swim, all the while I kept glancing back to watch the coastline get smaller and smaller. I had no idea what was ahead of me, but I knew that behind me was somewhere familiar, somewhere comfortable. I knew that I could turn back at any second, but the ocean beckoned me further. I just kept swimming.
This is what I know I need to do. God has given me this opportunity to grow deeper in my relationship with Him than I ever have. Where I am now is comfortable, almost habitual. It’s time for me to take some risks. I am broken, that can be understood, but if I want God to reconstruct this shattered clay pot into something beautiful I have to move. If I stay where I am, I cannot grow. I have to dive into new territory, into dark waters, with the faith that God can do anything. He can.

Fireflies.

It feels as if I'm stuck in the middle of some bad dream that I'm afraid to wake up from. I drive away after one last kiss and wipe away the tears, but the blurry vision never seems to subside. I think to myself, did that really just happen? I think it did. That was the last time I'll be able to see him for nine months. Nine. Long. Months. For a small second, I catch a glimpse of the starry sky and the bold harvest moon. He smiles on me, and whispers in my ear a promise. And I am reminded that the stars never fade away, it's strange how they never seem to change. They never left us in our lives to find our hope in darkened nights. When it feels like all is lost, open your eyes.

I just have to remember, this is far from the end. All my stress and worrying is basically telling God that I don't trust him, but I do. I trust Him with my life, my love, and everything else. He is the only infallible love. He is my only peace, my only security. He never leaves us, He never turns his back on us, and most of all, He is faithful.

You stood before creation,

Who am I to question God's plan? Sure, I'm pretty broken right now, but I'll learn to deal. I guess I should have expected myself to have a moment of weakness like this. Or maybe several. This probably won't be the first time I break down out of nowhere. After all, the man I promised my life to is leaving me for nine months. If you look at the big picture, yes, he is doing it for God and in the long run it will do amazing things for our relationship. That is, if we get back together once he comes back. It's a risk, I know, and I'm sure what he gets out of it will be well worth it, but that doesn't change how heartbreaking this is. Quite simply, I just have to take it one day at a time. Naturally, I'll break down every now and then, but that's why I have the God-given angels I call friends that will be there to pick me up whenever I need them.
I have an amazing nine months ahead of me.
I just have to keep telling myself this.

Listen to my words as they come out wrong.

Hello. I must start off by warning you that the words on this page are nothing but an attempt to organize and understand the millions of thoughts that seem to be bouncing around my head every second. They are my opinions, my experiences, and my ideas, and I promise nothing of the value they might have to you. Someday, hundreds of years from now, some average teenage girl like myself might find these and find someone to identify with, but until then, the words might go unread.
Today I discovered something about myself that more than breaks my heart. I have in recent times valued the idea of living life with your actions more than your words, and last night it was pointed out to me that I've been living exactly the opposite. Within the same week, I completely back-stabbed some of my closest friends and royally failed in showing the love of my life exactly how much he means to me. It brought to my attention how insufficient I am in running my own life.
Chris is leaving for Atlanta in 9 days, after which my communication with him will be completely shut off. Yes, after a year of dating we are choosing to break up because of the ministry program he's going to attend. It's a difficult thing to do, but I have faith that if our relationship is meant to be then when he comes back we will make it work. The worst thing I can do now is let him leave with doubts about us.
Something has got to give. I am determined now, for the sake of my love and my friendships, that I'm going to start living the way that shows the desires of my heart. I won't be overcome by my selfishness, and I won't get too caught up in my own problems to let my love for others show through. I understand now what I must do.