There are times

when I feel like I'm the only one struggling here.

Refocus.

This weekend has been terrific! We had our "Anti-Twilight Party" on Friday night which was pretty wicked. Blake and Abbie, Daniel S, Daniel W and Eric G came over and we played guitar hero, baked brownies and pizza (which was a disaster, btw) and played twister among other things. It's got to happen again soon.

Tonight Apex was WONDERFUL!! John David (Chelsea's big brother) from Reformation came and gave a GREAT message, because Josh had to go out of town. John David brought the house down. That guy is hysterical. He talked about Joseph and the struggles that he faced on his way to realizing God's dream for his life. It helped me to realize that God's plan isn't always going to coinside with the dreams I have for my own life. And even though there are going to be setbacks, God will always have a purpose for those low times and He always delights in being able to pull you out of impossible situations. God always loves to see His children run to him in faith when they have troubling situations. He loves it when we turn to him in the face of a dilemma because it gives Him a chance to show us how much He loves us and how great He really is. If we don't trust God, then He'll never be able to make miracles out of our lives.

John David's message helped me to realize where my focuses lie right now. I've been worried about so many things lately with the whole Chris situation. Ever since he left I've been trying to make myself enjoy the "single" side of life I'm getting to taste by, you know, getting out in the world and trying to meet guys and just have fun. But I always have Chris in my head. Every single time. I've had this situation on my mind of whether or not I should try to date other guys, but honestly, there's no one else in this world that could be anything close to what Chris was for me. Granted, I'm not giving anyone else a chance to try to be. I just know the feeling that Chris gave me, and the love we had for each other. I know his heart and the passion for God that he had, and I don't see his heart paralleled in anyone else. And completely aside from how amazing he is, it shouldn't even matter if I want to be seeing other guys.

Dating is not where my focus should be. My love life is just a small part of who I am, and if I'm too busy worrying about Chris and everything else, then I won't be able to see all the miracles God could be doing in my heart. If I keep my focus on the close-ups, on the smaller things, then I'll be missing out on a lot of the things God has planned for me. I don't know about you, but I'm going to enjoy the freedom God has given me this school year. Freedom from the drama, from the distraction that boys cause. Freedom from the anxiety and everything else that comes from not having a boy to be "my boy." I have the freedom now to worry about one thing and one thing only. How can God change me today? How can God move in my life, right now? What can I do to bring glory to His name in this very moment? Not, "is this boy right for me?" or "I wonder if he likes me..." or "Is he supposed to be a part of my life right now?" because those things will always be questioned. Even in the most stable of relationships, there's always that small bit of anxiety and worry, of wondering if it's real, or if it's meant to be, or if he really loves you. But one thing is always for sure. God is ALWAYS right for you. God ALWAYS loves you. More than anyone else on the planet ever could! (What boy in your life would climb on a cross and suffer hell so you could go to heaven?) God is ALWAYS supposed to be a part of your life, and that's all He asks. He wants your heart. All of it.

Living for God is not just a one time thing. You can't just hand over the reins to God and then go about your life. It's a choice you have to make every day. There are 1440 minutes in a day. That's 1440 opportunities to choose to God, to say to Him, "God, in this moment, I choose You. I choose your path for me." I am going to declare in this moment that all 1440 minutes of my day belong to God. Not to that cute boy in the hall, not to that guy who added me on facebook saying "hey cutie!". No one else. No one but God. He is my life. Every single day. My focus is on Him. Where is yours?

I feel terrible for neglecting this blog as much as I have. I have so many thoughts throughout the day that I know I would like to share with you all, but when I never seem to find the time to actually sit down and type it. Throughout the day, I could sit and type a book for you, but after the fact I feel ridiculous simply outlining my day. Details get lost in my mind and water down all my thoughts and insights. They make my blogs so uninteresting, so I'm attempting to change that.

There's always something in this everchanging life.

In the face of change,
that's when she turned to me and said:
"I'm not sure anymore..."
And there, amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies...
That blanket, the year before...
I watch my life wash ashore.

Have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
And then, of course, it did.
Have you ever felt the weight inside you,
pulling away inside your skin?
Then something had to give...

And now the lines are drawn...
Is this feeling gone?
The best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all that this is.
With the reasons clear,
We'll spend another year...
Without direction,
full of fear,
but now things will be different.

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I...
Always something in this everchanging life;
and there probably always will.
Now that time is getting harder to come by,
the same arguments are always on our minds,
killed this slowly fading lights.

My world is so dynamic. Everything is shifting, changing. Nothing in my life is familiar and I love it. This is the face of God. Seeing nothing but His light in front of me and following it. One step at a time. One day at a time.

I'm loving this new house now, living with my mom and my cousin. It's such a big change from my old house in the middle of nowhere. I'm closer to my friends, closer to the world. It's wonderful. This change was much needed. Now that everything is shifting I can make the lifestyle changes I've been wanting. It's like a fresh start.

College is now a part of my near future. A few months ago it seemed so far away, but the fact of the matter is, it's here and it's now. I'm still not certain where I'll end up, because honestly, I've never gone to college before... This is all new territory for me. It's far from my comfort zone, but I'm walking with the faith of knowing that God is guiding me. No matter what school I choose, no matter what I decide to study, It's amazing that I even have the opportunity to go to college. Some don't even get that. I can't wait to see where my life pans out.

I know one thing is for sure.
The best is yet to come.

Complicity.

So I really underestimated how much of a pain this whole "moving out" thing would be. My mom made some promises that didn't get met. I guess I shouldn't have jumped the gun so much. I was just really excited. I'm not sure when we'll be moving anymore. I only know it will be soon. I should have seen this coming. Nothing this good ever comes easily.

By the way.

I may be moving soon. It's probable that I'll be out of this house by the end of this week. I'm not going far, just to Meadow Pointe. I wish I could give you more details.
All you really need to know is I'm glad.
:)

Good morning, the Sun is rising. (:

Good morning, blogworld. I've had a pretty interesting week. This has been the only real time I've had to sit down and write something. A Sunday morning, when ordinarily I'd be at church, but with certain complications, that isn't happening. I'm home alone, currently. My dog is sprawled out on my bed sleeping. It's kinda cute. :) My mom is out getting coffee. This has been the most peaceful morning I've had in a long time. I woke up with the sun shining through my window and I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It's a good Sunday. :)

It's been a while since I've written here. Let's just say this, though. I haven't washed my hair since my last post. It sounds gross, I know, but with my hair its really not. My hair just looks like NORMAL hair now. It's not frizzy or dry or nasty. It's got some wave to it. It's nice. But, I'm washing it today so that's all going to be gone soon. Anywho.

Well,what have I been up to lately? This week has been pretty busy. It was a light homework week, so I was able to go to lifegroup on monday and the new wiregrass mall on thursday. :) Lifegroup was interesting. The kids of Wolfrevo/Trinity's Creed are so much fun to be around! I'm definitely lacking in the lifegroup department, however. I wish I could find a group my own age to be a part of. Being a senior now, my age group is a minority at Apex, and most of the people my age are leaders of some sort. So, I'll be looking around and praying for that opportunity to come my way.

The Shops at Wiregrass are very nice. I'm so glad to finally have a mall close to home. I've been there three times since it opened last thursday. XD I have a lot of fun there, even if I'm not shopping or spending money. I've had Moe's five times this week. I think you'd call that an addiction. But all the while, I've had a lot of fun with Abbie this weekend. She colors my world. :)

Well, I've got a lot of work to do today before Apex. Extended Essays and novels and outlines, etc. Wish me luck.