In all honestly, I feel like 2009 has come more as a shock to me than anything else. I've had this picture in my head of what my future might look like and at the moment I'm questioning one major part of that. Since Scotto left I have been so on and off in regards to staying with him or seriously moving on. At the moment I'm feeling like I should just walk away from what we had but I really don't know. I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm under a lot of pressure. Loving him is tearing me apart, but at the same time it's exactly what is keeping me together. I'm not sure what I should label as the cause of my suffering. Loving him, or simply the fact that I can't be near him. I've reached the point where I just want to let go. I'm dying to get out of this situation because it hurts. A lot. But then I think about him, I see him having the time of his life, and I remember what exactly I'm waiting for, and he is completely worth it. But I'm so sick of hurting over this. I know I can escape the pain by letting him go and just calling it a loss, but that would be throwing away so much more than just a boy. Chris means the world to me. He was my best friend. And I know he loved me. One of the last things he said to me was not to forget that fact. I just need to remind myself of that. He is worth waiting for. He's worth the suffering. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him and this is my chance to prove it. But I still wonder if it's the smart thing to do.
I feel so stupid for loving him.
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2 comments:
What does he want you to do?
If he truly sees your pain... He will be willing to let to go and live your life.
The real question is: is it mutual? Is he also waiting for you?
Love means mothing if it isn't shared with another. You can wait until the oceans run dry and the mountains crumple, but it has to be mutual. Are you in contact with him? figure out what is best for the both of you, don't continue to go through this pain without hope of some kind.
you asked God for this. this is a test. think about it, would you want to come back and then find that the person you loved, whom you expected to wait for and just grow in God is not there or not what you expected?
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