Sing to me sweetly.

Sing to me of your smile.
Sing to me of a love where distance disappears.
And where two hearts are one.
The rain is your kiss on my forehead.
The wind is your warm embrace.
The dark lucid sky mirrors your eyes.
I'm never lost.

Worth waiting for.

In all honestly, I feel like 2009 has come more as a shock to me than anything else. I've had this picture in my head of what my future might look like and at the moment I'm questioning one major part of that. Since Scotto left I have been so on and off in regards to staying with him or seriously moving on. At the moment I'm feeling like I should just walk away from what we had but I really don't know. I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm under a lot of pressure. Loving him is tearing me apart, but at the same time it's exactly what is keeping me together. I'm not sure what I should label as the cause of my suffering. Loving him, or simply the fact that I can't be near him. I've reached the point where I just want to let go. I'm dying to get out of this situation because it hurts. A lot. But then I think about him, I see him having the time of his life, and I remember what exactly I'm waiting for, and he is completely worth it. But I'm so sick of hurting over this. I know I can escape the pain by letting him go and just calling it a loss, but that would be throwing away so much more than just a boy. Chris means the world to me. He was my best friend. And I know he loved me. One of the last things he said to me was not to forget that fact. I just need to remind myself of that. He is worth waiting for. He's worth the suffering. I'd walk to the end of the earth for him and this is my chance to prove it. But I still wonder if it's the smart thing to do.

I feel so stupid for loving him.

New Realizations

Each and every day.
It seems I have time to think now.
Time to think for myself.
It's beautiful.

There are times

when I feel like I'm the only one struggling here.

Refocus.

This weekend has been terrific! We had our "Anti-Twilight Party" on Friday night which was pretty wicked. Blake and Abbie, Daniel S, Daniel W and Eric G came over and we played guitar hero, baked brownies and pizza (which was a disaster, btw) and played twister among other things. It's got to happen again soon.

Tonight Apex was WONDERFUL!! John David (Chelsea's big brother) from Reformation came and gave a GREAT message, because Josh had to go out of town. John David brought the house down. That guy is hysterical. He talked about Joseph and the struggles that he faced on his way to realizing God's dream for his life. It helped me to realize that God's plan isn't always going to coinside with the dreams I have for my own life. And even though there are going to be setbacks, God will always have a purpose for those low times and He always delights in being able to pull you out of impossible situations. God always loves to see His children run to him in faith when they have troubling situations. He loves it when we turn to him in the face of a dilemma because it gives Him a chance to show us how much He loves us and how great He really is. If we don't trust God, then He'll never be able to make miracles out of our lives.

John David's message helped me to realize where my focuses lie right now. I've been worried about so many things lately with the whole Chris situation. Ever since he left I've been trying to make myself enjoy the "single" side of life I'm getting to taste by, you know, getting out in the world and trying to meet guys and just have fun. But I always have Chris in my head. Every single time. I've had this situation on my mind of whether or not I should try to date other guys, but honestly, there's no one else in this world that could be anything close to what Chris was for me. Granted, I'm not giving anyone else a chance to try to be. I just know the feeling that Chris gave me, and the love we had for each other. I know his heart and the passion for God that he had, and I don't see his heart paralleled in anyone else. And completely aside from how amazing he is, it shouldn't even matter if I want to be seeing other guys.

Dating is not where my focus should be. My love life is just a small part of who I am, and if I'm too busy worrying about Chris and everything else, then I won't be able to see all the miracles God could be doing in my heart. If I keep my focus on the close-ups, on the smaller things, then I'll be missing out on a lot of the things God has planned for me. I don't know about you, but I'm going to enjoy the freedom God has given me this school year. Freedom from the drama, from the distraction that boys cause. Freedom from the anxiety and everything else that comes from not having a boy to be "my boy." I have the freedom now to worry about one thing and one thing only. How can God change me today? How can God move in my life, right now? What can I do to bring glory to His name in this very moment? Not, "is this boy right for me?" or "I wonder if he likes me..." or "Is he supposed to be a part of my life right now?" because those things will always be questioned. Even in the most stable of relationships, there's always that small bit of anxiety and worry, of wondering if it's real, or if it's meant to be, or if he really loves you. But one thing is always for sure. God is ALWAYS right for you. God ALWAYS loves you. More than anyone else on the planet ever could! (What boy in your life would climb on a cross and suffer hell so you could go to heaven?) God is ALWAYS supposed to be a part of your life, and that's all He asks. He wants your heart. All of it.

Living for God is not just a one time thing. You can't just hand over the reins to God and then go about your life. It's a choice you have to make every day. There are 1440 minutes in a day. That's 1440 opportunities to choose to God, to say to Him, "God, in this moment, I choose You. I choose your path for me." I am going to declare in this moment that all 1440 minutes of my day belong to God. Not to that cute boy in the hall, not to that guy who added me on facebook saying "hey cutie!". No one else. No one but God. He is my life. Every single day. My focus is on Him. Where is yours?